The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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