I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
