theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
