The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Vodka?
Forever.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
