Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
