Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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