i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize