When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
