1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
