I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
