I never want to see another naked old woman again.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
