You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Everclear isn't food dammit
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
