Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
