But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
