The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
