I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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