Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize