a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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