Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
