I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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