It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
