we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
