I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
