Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize