Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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