Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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