my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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