This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
