dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
