Sry I called you an 8
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
