1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize