totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
