Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
