woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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