I just saw a hot homeless man
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
