he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
