Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
