Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I would ride that face into the sunset
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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