Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
