I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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