Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
