I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Randomize
