there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
