I'm lost and stupid without you.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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