i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
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