you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
you would pick up someone in the library
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
