My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
