He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
