Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Randomize
