YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
