she woke up with a sticky ear
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
