Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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