Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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