Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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