Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
